Old Man Belms

Manchester Basks

Newbrook Road closure - day 18

The tapping of my keyboard has been stirring up trouble on the streets. A man threw a brick at me the other day after he thought I wrote 'The bridge closure has been really funny' just from the sound of the clicking keys. The brick missed. So, in light of this, this weeks update is a video. Much safer.

DAY 19 UPDATE: Txt "How to crash into a lamp post. Drive a green Vectra up a closed road followed by turning the wrong way down a one way street. He's totally overreacted too. Called an Ambulance and the Police. He walked himself to stretcher and laid down. Gay."

Call it a Constable or call a Policeman

Explain this to an American #9

Just as PCs Cooper and Walsh master the art of fighting crime from the rear, Barry spoils it all by taking a retired vicar out for the day.

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East Riding of Yorkshire Council News Release #6

Newbrook Road closure - day 11

After yesterdays 2000 strong march in protest of the shade of grey used on the Marlborough Road emergency swing gate, you would have thought things would have calmed down. Returning home from Westminster battered and bruised from the obvious Police brutality residents of Newbrook Road bedded down for a night of heavy snooze.

7am, the sun peels back the night clouds and casts its orange glow on a newly dug hole at the bottom of your driveway. Cars still on drives.

"Who digs a hole a the bottom of a drive when the cars are still up it?"

"My Gaffer"

"Can I speak to your Gaffer?"

"No"

"Why?"

"He's down the road"

"I'll go and find him"

"No.....no, don't. I'll pass on a message"

"Your the Gaffer aren't you"

"No, no I'm not. That's silly"

-walks away quickly-

This was Tuesday. Hilariously the letter informing about the hole digging arrived today. This has caused more fighting. The death toll has now risen to seven.

In other news the Government has sent everyone affected by the bridge closure a .GIF to show how seriously they're taking the situation and serve as a warning.

BACK TO THE STUDIO

Travelogue 3 - via Twitter: URM > BOL (22 bus)

He is Joey Barton

Shearer said he made a mistake putting Barton back into the team, and that his tackle was "a coward's tackle", to which Barton replied that he was "the best player at the club", and Shearer had to play him. Shearer said that Barton wasn't, that he was "shit". Barton replied that Shearer was "a shit manager with shit tactics". When Dowie intervened, Barton called him "a prick".

John Fashanu misses from a yard out

Audioshit: Sept 2011

Latest tracks by plusplusequalsequals

Tracklist 
01 audioshit
02 bored - black dynamite
03 pornalation
04 punch - colourbox
05 building a chicken coup
06 sugar babe, your papa cares for you - harry taussig
07 pil
08 the embarrassment - i'm a don juan
09 scream for me ++==
10 the williams fairey brass band - voodoo ray
11 essex
12 saint etienne - girl vii

Explain this to an American #8

Sid is installing a doorbell in the cafe, and the trio decide to help him.

Travelogue 2 - via Twitter: URM > BOL (22 bus)

A Month In Five Seconds

Newbrook Road closure - day 2

The Latest: Newbrook Road (A579) enters its second day of being shut yet the horror and the violence has yet to abate. As this reporter offed to the shop to buy lunch, I walked past grown men crying in the street and young children acting disenfranchised, walking into betting shops, smoking cigarettes and working in unsatisfying jobs. Earlier today an unidentified Irish woman (UIW) exploded in anguish at the thought of having to use a footbridge.

People on the estate were given no warning about the closure of Marlborough Road. Most have now gone more than 52 hours without food. No-one has yet reminded them there's two roads onto the estate.

The councils northern turning circle left a lot to be desired. Although the removal of all the curbing round the corner means it can be entered into the hat for the Alan Turing Turning Circle Of The Year award which is this year held in the lovely city of Turin
.

 Vandalism!

Panoramarama

 Temporary bus teminus. The man waiting for the bus let out a volly of bile as I walked past.

Backstory: “AN EXTRA 10,000 vehicles a day will soon be pouring into a busy Westhoughton road, bringing traffic chaos to the town.

And residents have been warned the problems the extra traffic will bring could last for several months as roadworks get under way in neighbouring Atherton.

Bolton Road in Atherton will be closed for around 12 weeks from Monday, September 12, while the crumbling railway bridge is replaced.

The road is the main route into Bolton from Leigh and Atherton, via Newbrook Road, which figures show is used by around 20,000 drivers every day.

Once the works begin and the road is closed, many of those vehicles will be diverted through Westhoughton, either down Platt Lane or Leigh Road, both of which feed into Park Road, which is already congested at peak times.

Councillor David Wilkinson said there could potentially be up to 10,000 extra cars using Park Road every day as drivers battle to get into Bolton.

He said: “The cars will back up into Westhoughton and stretch back towards Hart Common and Atherton and in the evenings it’s going to be worse because a lot of traffic will collide with the motorway traffic.

“It’s going to have a huge impact on Westhoughton, there are no ifs and buts, all that traffic is going to come this way. I don’t know any other way around it, other than Cleggs Lane, Little Hulton, but that’s a long way around.

For every one car on Platt Lane trying to get on to Park Road there are 10 on Park Road so it will be a massive struggle getting out.”

According to traffic count surveys carried out in 2005 to 2006, around 22,000 vehicles use Park Road every day.

Sandra Williams, who lives on Green Common Lane, off Platt Lane, believes the extra cars will pose a danger at the junction with Park Road.

She said: “Another thing that exacerbates the problem is the new test centre at Gibfield Park Avenue because we’re now getting a lot of leaner drivers going down Platt Lane and trying to get out of the junction at Park Road.

“There will be a lot of cars trying to get out on to Park Road and there may be people taking extra risks to get out at a difficult time when people are going out shopping for Christmas.”

Wigan Council, which has warned of disruption but said it is aiming to manage the problem as best it can, expects the works will be completed by mid-December.”

West Belm

Not doctored and in good taste

The Disabled Man and the Lift

Thanks to factofthedaytoday.co.uk for this. I think.

Travelogue 1 - via Twitter: BOL > URM (22 bus)

v/a - What The Fuck Is Going On?

++== records have painfully (surely you mean painstakingly? – no) put together a classic collection of this! Entitled ‘What The Fuck Is Going On?’ for the first time artists such a Ken, Quim Barreiros and Les Baxter share a billing and give you joy and other pleasures. So dive in and enjoy as we all exclaim ‘what the fuck is going on?!’

01 Les Baxter – Shooting Star

Les likes food! Constantly cooking when he writes Les told us that he made 14 omlettes just thinking about this track! What a good use of eggs!

02 Lars Kristerz – Sweet Child O Mine

Larz-Kristerz is a Swedish dansband founded in Älvdalen, Sweden in 2001, and winner of the 2008 edition of Dansbandskampen. The band is known to prefer Hagström instruments and PA systems. Hem till dig famously stopped U2's No Line On the Horizon from reaching number 1, the only country where the album did not reach this position. This song has been covered many times by Guns and Roses.

 03 Devastating Dave – Zip Zap Rap

In the 1980s drugs were invented. And so was rap! Dave single headedly stopped all drugs with this anti-drugs classic. 

Fact: The third ‘no’ Dave raps in the intro is actually spelt ‘know’. I think I can speak for us all when I say the mind boggles at the power of music.

 

 

04 Ken – I want to live my life for Jesus

Well what can you say about Ken?

05 Menudo - Não Se Reprima

Menudo was a Puerto Rican boy band that was formed in the 1970s by producer Edgardo Ian Díaz. The band was a starting point for stars like Ricky Martin, Pol Pot and Robi Draco Rosa, who were members during their youth.

‘Não Se Reprima’ is a rant about fish stocks in the boys local supermarket.

06 Faye Richmonde - Tony's Got Hot Nuts

One of the first choice cuts from the groundbreaking ‘My Pussy Belongs To Daddy’ album. Faye Richmond here tells the story of a young Tony Knowles and his struggle to earn a crust after his professional snooker career ended.

07 Louvin Brothers - Satan Is Real

Yes he is!

08 Swamp Dogg – That Aint My Wife

During his years as an alcoholic Swamp Dogg confused many things for his wife but it was this one occasion when he found himself locked in a sexy clasp with a bench that drove the sozzled superstar to write this ‘note to self’ ballad.

The cover features Swamps giant pet rat Phil Mitchell. Phil is Swamps wife.

09 Saul T. Peter - I Tried It Everywhere

I can hardly begin to explain how well crafted this second song from the ‘My Pussy Belongs To Daddy’ album is.

10 Red White and the Country Gospel Singers - Jesus Use Me

Red Whites favourite colours were actually red and white! This cover of a the Faith Tones standard gave birth to the oversized 80’s t-shirt boom when a young Michael J Fox was pictured wearing the slogan ‘Jesus Use My Every Hole!”

11 Quim  Barreiros - Cuidade Zé

In most of his songs, Quim makes extensive use of double entendre, often with obvious sexual suggestions! One of Quim Barreiros' biggest hits was "A Garagem da Vizinha" (The [Female] Neighbour's Garage), which is a metaphor for the female genitalia, but he is also known for hits such as "Mariazinha", where he asks a woman named Mariazinha to let him smell her "codfish".

 12 Miss Dee - Things Are Soft For Grandma

The final track from ‘Pussy’. Miss Dee is actually Pele’s grandson. The song was no. 1 in Brazil for 15 years.

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